Wave of Peace

It’s amazing how in finally deciding to change my life how fast it would do so.  Or how I would see such a difference and how it would help me really learn from my past.  Here are a few things going through my mind as of late:

1.  Socializing

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I have never been a social person.  Ok, I have been (am?), but never through my own doing. I have always been someone that was introduced to others and made friends that way instead of being able to make them on my own by introducing myself first.  I have always been deathly afraid of first impressions and putting myself out there for people to see, hear, feel, etc.  In the past few months I took the steps to put myself out there.  It started with a public instagram account (@fieldgurl) in which I started posting my photo with my old, then new camera of nature shots.  I never to this day thought I would get the reactions I do in response to the photos I publish, and the push from strangers, friends and family, that I should consider this as something other than just a hobby.  For right now it’s going to stay that way, but it is something that has certainly made me think more about it and pay special attention.

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In addition to that, instagram helped me really getting into the socializing aspect of things. I ran no holds bar into it when I ended up going to meet with a bunch of vegan instagrammers at a food festival during the day, then a photographer instameet that evening.  I wasn’t so nervous about the first one for some reason, but the second one I was really anxious about . Maybe the competitive side of me, along with the very shy of side me was predominantly present in anticipation of that meet up, but I was very very nervous.  I told myself that even though I knew absolutely no one, I would give myself at least an hour to wander around and see what happens.  Well, I braved it, introduced myself to random strangers and made some great friends that night. I learned a lot from them and their experiences and have to say it was one of the most fun night I have had in a very long time.

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Which leads me to my next socializing aspect of things…

2. Dating

Since my huge breakup last summer I have taken a hard look at my past dating life and how I was living it.  Which basically is that I was settling with many of them men I was with.  Living a life with an eating disorder for so many years really messes with your self esteem and makes you question who you are, and/or who you deserve.  It has not been an easy issue to deal with, but something I am getting much better at.  I have since been on multiple dates and learning exactly what I want in a partner.  I even joined a dating app to put myself out there.  This is not a first for me, as my last long term relationship came from a match on eHarmony many many years ago, but since then the dating scene and apps like that have significantly changed.  And I mean really changed, but that’s besides the point.

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Not only has it helped me to understand what I am looking for in my “partner in crime and fun” but also more about myself.  I used to be so afraid to let certain aspects of my personality shine through because I thought they were strange or weird or…I don’t know. I thought it would turn people away,  But upon putting myself out there I have since changed that perspective and realized that if someone doesn’t appreciate or like certain parts of my personality well, that’s there loss.  I will not become friends or a girlfriend to everyone and that’s ok.   Sometimes you just don’t match with certain people and it’s just something you have to let go and move past.  Not going to lie, a few of those have been super super hard to move past, but I have and can look back on it and have learned something, and gained a few friends out of failed dating situations!

3. Photography

Obviously you have been watching me post photos upon photos for the past year.  I don’t know about you but I have noticed a difference in the mood, quality, type…everything about the photos I have been taking.  I see it as a hobby still, but also as something that helps me express myself when I can’t find the words for something I’m feeling.  I have been take the time and effort to learn about the art and how to really use my camera.  I also have been taking the time to seek out places to take photos of and really work on the emotions that it helps me express.

4. Talking to Someone

I used to talk a lot about talking to a professional on my previous blog.  I went to her about my eating disorder years ago and just recently started seeing her again just to catch up, and see if there were a few other things we could talk though that I was still trying to cope with and make better.  It has cracked me up every time I have gone to see her because she is constantly exclaiming, “Who are you?!”  (In a good way of course, she’s super proud of what I’ve done)

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I used to be a very…calculated person and was never spontaneous.  Everything had to be in working order down to times and what I was going to eat if I was going out to do something, even as simple as the store just to run an errand.  So many things made me anxious and never in a million years would I have ever just showed up the beach to meet up with 100+ random people I followed in Instagram.  Only in talking to her about it have I realized how much it shows I have changed, for the better.  I have finally grown into my own skin and developed my personality the way that it has deserved to be expressed as.  I had never thought of it as such a huge thing or something that was exclaimable over, but apparently so.

Makes me kind of giddy and pretty excited to see what come next.  I can’t wait to share the adventures that are coming in the next month before my impending 30th birthday.  My thoughts on that will come in a whole other post soon!

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