Wave of Peace

It’s amazing how in finally deciding to change my life how fast it would do so.  Or how I would see such a difference and how it would help me really learn from my past.  Here are a few things going through my mind as of late:

1.  Socializing

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I have never been a social person.  Ok, I have been (am?), but never through my own doing. I have always been someone that was introduced to others and made friends that way instead of being able to make them on my own by introducing myself first.  I have always been deathly afraid of first impressions and putting myself out there for people to see, hear, feel, etc.  In the past few months I took the steps to put myself out there.  It started with a public instagram account (@fieldgurl) in which I started posting my photo with my old, then new camera of nature shots.  I never to this day thought I would get the reactions I do in response to the photos I publish, and the push from strangers, friends and family, that I should consider this as something other than just a hobby.  For right now it’s going to stay that way, but it is something that has certainly made me think more about it and pay special attention.

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In addition to that, instagram helped me really getting into the socializing aspect of things. I ran no holds bar into it when I ended up going to meet with a bunch of vegan instagrammers at a food festival during the day, then a photographer instameet that evening.  I wasn’t so nervous about the first one for some reason, but the second one I was really anxious about . Maybe the competitive side of me, along with the very shy of side me was predominantly present in anticipation of that meet up, but I was very very nervous.  I told myself that even though I knew absolutely no one, I would give myself at least an hour to wander around and see what happens.  Well, I braved it, introduced myself to random strangers and made some great friends that night. I learned a lot from them and their experiences and have to say it was one of the most fun night I have had in a very long time.

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Which leads me to my next socializing aspect of things…

2. Dating

Since my huge breakup last summer I have taken a hard look at my past dating life and how I was living it.  Which basically is that I was settling with many of them men I was with.  Living a life with an eating disorder for so many years really messes with your self esteem and makes you question who you are, and/or who you deserve.  It has not been an easy issue to deal with, but something I am getting much better at.  I have since been on multiple dates and learning exactly what I want in a partner.  I even joined a dating app to put myself out there.  This is not a first for me, as my last long term relationship came from a match on eHarmony many many years ago, but since then the dating scene and apps like that have significantly changed.  And I mean really changed, but that’s besides the point.

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Not only has it helped me to understand what I am looking for in my “partner in crime and fun” but also more about myself.  I used to be so afraid to let certain aspects of my personality shine through because I thought they were strange or weird or…I don’t know. I thought it would turn people away,  But upon putting myself out there I have since changed that perspective and realized that if someone doesn’t appreciate or like certain parts of my personality well, that’s there loss.  I will not become friends or a girlfriend to everyone and that’s ok.   Sometimes you just don’t match with certain people and it’s just something you have to let go and move past.  Not going to lie, a few of those have been super super hard to move past, but I have and can look back on it and have learned something, and gained a few friends out of failed dating situations!

3. Photography

Obviously you have been watching me post photos upon photos for the past year.  I don’t know about you but I have noticed a difference in the mood, quality, type…everything about the photos I have been taking.  I see it as a hobby still, but also as something that helps me express myself when I can’t find the words for something I’m feeling.  I have been take the time and effort to learn about the art and how to really use my camera.  I also have been taking the time to seek out places to take photos of and really work on the emotions that it helps me express.

4. Talking to Someone

I used to talk a lot about talking to a professional on my previous blog.  I went to her about my eating disorder years ago and just recently started seeing her again just to catch up, and see if there were a few other things we could talk though that I was still trying to cope with and make better.  It has cracked me up every time I have gone to see her because she is constantly exclaiming, “Who are you?!”  (In a good way of course, she’s super proud of what I’ve done)

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I used to be a very…calculated person and was never spontaneous.  Everything had to be in working order down to times and what I was going to eat if I was going out to do something, even as simple as the store just to run an errand.  So many things made me anxious and never in a million years would I have ever just showed up the beach to meet up with 100+ random people I followed in Instagram.  Only in talking to her about it have I realized how much it shows I have changed, for the better.  I have finally grown into my own skin and developed my personality the way that it has deserved to be expressed as.  I had never thought of it as such a huge thing or something that was exclaimable over, but apparently so.

Makes me kind of giddy and pretty excited to see what come next.  I can’t wait to share the adventures that are coming in the next month before my impending 30th birthday.  My thoughts on that will come in a whole other post soon!

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2 thoughts on “Wave of Peace

  1. Mel – I’ve been smiling while reading this post the whole time I’ve been reading it. You have come so far not only in the last few years I’ve “known” you but in the fast few months. The fact that you are living out loud makes me happiest of all and that you are willing to be who you are when meeting people and not worrying so much. You are beautiful, smart and a strong person and I can’t wait to see where your new found confidence will take you. So proud of you!!!

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