Wrong Side

It was like my mind knew it was Monday and woke up on the wrong side.  I went to bed convinced I would wake up in a better mood and yet somehow…I felt worse.  I made sure to take enough deep breathes and focus on something like this…but it didn’t work.

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I think it all started Friday night.  I have to toot my own horn that I had been doing so well as far as being on the independent wagon.  I was out and about, roaming wherever I wanted and being all fine and dandy with it.  I was feeling strong and better than I had in weeks, or months really.  Things finally felt like they might be getting better again and I was on a better road to…wherever life was going to lead me.  Then, he came back.  Oh the turmoil men lead me to endure in my life.  But first, a step back a bit before I get to that.

If there has been anything in the past few weeks that I’ve realized as I’ve had time to talk to some friends and family about past relationships, it’s that when I thought someone I loved would be willing to fight for me, they didn’t.  I think I saw this when I broke up last summer with my long term BF but hadn’t really accepted it, or…I don’t know how to word it quite right.  But I had spent almost 4 years saying that I would move somewhere that I thought I could be happy, or would be willing to try.  And then when I decided that my happiness would be at stake and truthfully not something I could do, it’s like I stood up for myself and my whole world fell apart.  Expressing my emotions, which has always been very hard for me, was taken with a blank stare and an argument.  How could I go back on my word after so long?  That was the only remark I got in response, instead of what I had anticipated of, “Well what can we do then?  How can we remedy this or make it work? Compromise?”  There was none of that.  Ok, that’s a lie. There was a short discussion about it but when push came to shove and we tried the compromise, neither of us would have ended up happy in the end.  So essentially nothing would have worked out at all because someone would have ended up bitter, remorseful, or something of the sort because they were in a place they did not want to be and wouldn’t be happy.  And I guess I finally believe that if you can’t be happy with your life, especially where you are, how do you make it work?

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Then the past 5 or 6 months I have let my heart get played, I guess.  I’m pretty sure I am just being a girl and looking too much into the whole thing, but so be it.  I’m a girl. So what.

But someone I really really liked who like others, basically gave up on me for either other focuses in life, came back.  Not in a hasty fashion, but with a nonchalance that I probably took a little too seriously.  Or just looked too much into.  I don’t want to get too specific about any of this just in case, but it brought back a lot of emotions about us.  So I let it settle for a little bit and then reached out again.  Now part of my disappointment comes not just from being rejected again, but also letting myself down because I told myself I would not chase them.  I have been telling myself this the whole time since he broke things off with me yet I kept breaking that promise to myself over and over and over again.  Why do I keep doing this to myself?  Why do I chase after guys that don’t want to be chased? Or that I have realized if they wanted to be with me, would CHASE AFTER ME?  Anyhow, I broke my own promise again on Friday and it got the best of me.  I was so angry at myself for giving in so easily and letting my heart do the talking instead of my logic.  Why could I not see that I was going to get hurt again? That it was going to hurt just as badly as before and that everything else would be affected by it?  Yeah, it’s like when you catch a cold or flu and forget how horrible it feels until you have it again.

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So then the weekend turned into a train wreck, and everything else was being fed on when it came to how I was dealing with the emotions.  And I sadly took it out in the only form that it seems like my mind knows how, through guilt.  The vicious round robin of guilt and hatred and blame.  I proceeded to use food and exercise and then feeling guilty about it all over again to try deal with my emotions.  Oh the control factor, how I HATE you and how you control me. Hah!

I guess it’s a good thing that at least I realize this and can take a step back to try and work around, or through it.  But it just fucking sucks.  I can’t believe how foul of a mood I woke up in.  Granted I was tired and there are other work dramas that I don’t want to deal with on top of my own mental problems, but it has just not been my morning.  I can always tell too based on the music I want to listen to. Copeland on loud along with some slower Betty Who and Magic to get me through today.  I’m so emotionally driven by my music it kind of irks me sometimes.

I seriously never get tired of this shot I took in Carp last winter. Always make me feel better...or at least I'm trying.

I seriously never get tired of this shot I took in Carp last winter. Always make me feel better…or at least I’m trying.

Alright, off to breathe….

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