Midnight

A lot has been happening.  I have been up and down, all over the place, feeling so many different ways that I can’t figure out how to organize everything.  But then I think to myself, why not let yourself be a mess for a while and not have it all set in stone?  As hard as that is for me to handle, it’s happening and I think I need to let it.

I’m back to sleepless nights unfortunately, but it allows for some interesting wandering.  It’s kind of exhilarating being out in the middle of the night, while everyone is dreaming away, and seeing things in a different light (or no light, no pun intended. Hah).

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It helps me clear my mind in the mean time and think about things that have been bothering me.  I react differently to different types of stress and right now, one of the them cannot be used.  I pulled my groin muscle last week so running has been out of the books and it has been killing me. I went through a short depression stage with that because we all know how much I enjoy and use running for so many reasons, and without it I felt so empty.  But not only that, no way to pass the time.  I now feel more bored than before and therefore more time to think, which has always felt so dangerous for me.  But it allowed me to understand something the other day after my last entry about my eating disorder coming back…

I posted this comment in response to another and the more I think about it, the more I am beginning to understand the whole situation:

It’s funny, as I move through this new stage of my life, being single and having to make a whole new set of friends I find myself compelled to always tell people that I “had” an eating disorder, like it’s a part of myself that I have to tell people about. A part of me feels like I need to tell people because I want to scare them away, make them realize what a mess I am, get the rejection over early so I don’t have to deal with it later. I always tend to push people away or just put up such a huge wall and won’t let them in in the first place because I’m always afraid I won’t be accepted, so maybe I do it to deliberately scare others away. It’s weird to think about and a rational that I can’t quite wrap my fingers around. But as I keep working through it I realize that it doesn’t have to be part of my identity as I believed it has been for the past ten plus years. I don’t even know if this makes any sense, but it’s the first time I’ve actually written it down and it’s actually starting to feel…real? Like I’ve been in denial of it this whole time and now I’m finally admitting it. So…thanks for the comment because you made me realize this!”

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It seems crazy and so rational at the same time.  I never thought of my eating disorder as part of my identity and something I used as a tool to push people away to avoid rejection.  I always thought of it as something…else?  I don’t know how to describe it but I have always just been so afraid of losing control and flat out not being accepted by people.  Which is why in this whole stage of being single I have been trying to learn how to be with myself and be ok with it.  It is definitely easier said than done, but it is getting easier.  It is easier to just go out somewhere by myself and not need the company of another.  But at the same time as much as I say I am very anti-social, it is nice to have someone else around to hang out with.  I am still in the progress of making friends in my new hometown but I know over time it will come as long as I allow myself to be open to the idea of it.

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So in the mean time I am trying to take as many adventures as I can, while I can.  I did so last week when I took the above picture (flower) when I got up at 3:30 in the morning to drive over 100 miles to catch the sunset at this spot.  Although it was not as spectacular color wise as I had hoped it would be, I enjoyed the time I got to spend there.  I had been visiting this site since I was a kid but it was the first time I had ever had the place just to myself.  It was so peaceful.  And my friend made a good point when I said the sunrise wasn’t as spectacular as I thought it was going to be.

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Everyday is so different that I never know what tomorrow or next week or next month will encompass so I have to make each day the best it can be.  Until next time…and hopefully with something to cross off my 30 under 30 list (although I did cross off moving to a new place! Woot!)

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One thought on “Midnight

  1. The whole identity thing was a huge revelation for me. It explained a lot about why I felt like I was treading water after reaching a certain stage of recovery. I am glad that the comment helped you think about things!

    As far as letting things be a mess for a while…isn’t that a lesson for all of us control freaks? I think I could use that lesson myself, as my future is still very much in the air, and I have no idea what direction it will go. I vacillate between excitement about the unknown and certainty that catastrophe will come. When you can’t control outcomes, sometimes acceptance of a temporary state is the only real option.

    Like

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