The past week has been hard. I packed up my life in boxes and relocated myself 100 miles south to my old stomping grounds, or close enough to it. It was not an easy decision to make at all; it has been very bittersweet actually. Truthfully, I did not want to move. I loved Ventura County and everything about it; the access to the beach and the mountains, the slower pace of life, the different attitude you get from the people that live there. But, things happened in my personal life that have led me to believe that moving away would be in my best interest. Not only for my professional life, but also for my personal one. The last week really set in stone the reason why I left for my own mental benefit if anything.
In just the past week I learned just how much self respect I have not let myself possess. I have spent so many years worrying about other people that I have let myself and the things I deserve sit on the backburner and really, just hoped someone would notice and do something for me in return. This all came to a head when someone I truly believed cared about me, let me get “run over” and did not stand up for me when they should have. At first, I hid away like a coward, but after becoming so furious and not knowing why, I realized the amount of disrespect I had been dealt and I was pissed. For the first time I was angry. And when I say angry, I was actually, truly angry, which hardly ever happens to me and the chill demeanor that I usually have. I was so upset that I couldn’t speak at times, I collapsed on a floor, cried and left feeling so empty I couldn’t think. It was not my finest moment, but helped me understand myself better. Sounds like a pretty fucked up way to better understand something for me, but it did.
As hard as it was to endure, I later ripped that person a new one and gave them the what-for. I did not want to be mad at them, but I couldn’t help myself because they are part of the reason I decided to leave. This last incident was such a huge insult to my self-worth that I finally decided to stand up for myself and hot damn it felt good. I had been so worried for so long about hurting this person’s feelings that I never considered how I felt about my own. Well, standing up for myself felt amazing and such a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I got in the last word and as harsh as that may sound, I don’t give a flying fuck. It’s the harsh reality of the situation and I’m glad I did it.
I asked a friend of mine the other week, him understanding what I’m going through personally and professionally and feeling very similar, if I was running away. I had asked him the same question months before when he relocated himself 3,000 miles away and he gave me the same response I gave him: NO. We have decided and are making moves, literally and figuratively to better our lives in more ways than one. They are hard decisions and as terrified as we are that they aren’t going to work, we have to at least try. And it it doesn’t work it doesn’t mean that we failed; it just means it wasn’t meant for us and at least we tried. Because how would we know if it worked, or didn’t, if we hadn’t tried? Hard decisions with serious repercussions but we have to do what is best for us and the things we want in life. But then there is the million dollar question: what do we want in our lives? What do we want to do? Who do we want to be with? Or I guess the bigger and harder question is: how are we going to get it?
I have no answer for that last one. If anything, I have a path that I am working on to hopefully carve out the end product that I want. It is going to be a bumpy ride along a long and winding road, but as I keep telling everyone, “Try, try and try again. What’s the worst that’s going to happen?” I need to keep my own words at the fore front of all of this and truly believe them, because how can I say them to others to help them along but not believe in them myself? I don’t want to be a hypocrite!