Reflecting #3

[[HUGE thought dump ahead]]

So I went to Mammoth with every intention of letting loose and having some fun with some photography sessions and much needed hikes. I needed to clear my head of all the frustration that has been floating around.  It worked, to an extent.  I saw that trip as something that was spontaneous and just plain fun, but apparently my friends were seeing my frustration because they kept calling my trip “my retreat.”  I hadn’t thought about it that way, but they were right.  I was retreating and trying to get away from everything.

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But what was everything?  So, I finished school.  I am officially done working on my GIS Certificate from USC and well, it’s just done.  That’s it.  It seemed so anti-climatic.  That could be partially my fault because I felt like I was over this certificate two classes ago, but I also decided not to walk during the commencement ceremony this winter.  Truthfully, I felt like because I didn’t actually get a DEGREE and only a certificate that I almost didn’t deserve to walk; Like what I did wasn’t enough.  I mean, I worked my butt off during school, but I also know that I could have totally put in a lot more effort to my last three classes.  Granted I had a lot of personal crap going on in my life, but that is no excuse to slack off and give something that big a half-assed effort.

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Then there is this concept of myself and time.  I have had a lot of time to think; driving 600+ miles round trip to Mammoth gave me a lot of time to let my mind wander.  I thought about all the things I have been going through in my personal relationships and it depresses me.  Ok, let me clarify.  I am not depressed.  I just feel…alone I guess.  Being single is very hard for me, I’m not going to lie.  This is the longest I have been single and it is kind of killing me.  Maybe I’m just not used to it and have to realize that I have the time now to do whatever the hell I want without having to worry about another person.  I suppose I just like doing things with other people.  As much as I say I am not a people person, I totally am.  I love being around people and listening to their stories, their thoughts, their imagination and opinions.  I have been spending some time with people who I have held some fascinating conversations with and it is above and beyond interesting.  But not going to lie, at the same time it makes me feel like an idiot.  Is that horrible and twisted?  When I say idiot, it’s because of the way we think; it is so radically different and I always wonder, why did I not think of that?  Kind of drives me crazy, but at the same gives me such a different and interesting perspective on things and albeit more things to think about!

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I had a good cry the other day.  These don’t come often, but when they do, they are needed I believe.  I tend to let things well up inside and I think I finally got to a breaking point.  And in all seriousness, it’s because of a guy.  Yeah, a dude.  I have been having the worst timing with guys right now.  The breakup was hard as hell. The next guy was a disaster to me and my health (literally).  The next, the next, the next…uggh.  All have showed interest and kept at it to an extent, but in all seriousness it just isn’t enough.  When am I going to find the guy that just wants to spend time with me, and actually can? Or actually WANTS to?  Because obviously there is a difference.  I know this is the wrong way to think of it, but this is where the loneliness part comes in.  I know I should not define my happiness by having a guy in my life, but I want one.  I want someone to spend all that time with, to have all that inside jokes and late night conversations with.  I want, and feel like I need to have that.  But maybe this is the opportunity I need to take, when I don’t have a man in my life, to realize that I don’t actually NEED one and am completely capable of being happy, ALONE.

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As someone who has based so many of their years on simply being accepted this has been something extremely hard for me to grasp.  Not being accepted by someone is harder than it seems. I can shout it from the rooftops that having the mentality of, “We just don’t click or that we just aren’t meant to be like that…oh well, moving onto the next one!”, but it’s kind of just a way of getting past the fact that I have been rejected.  And that my friends, I think is what sucks the most.  I mean, no one likes being rejected.  I guess just one after the other after the other and it’s starting to wear me down.  How do I not take it so personally?  I don’t even know where to start in my brain.

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So I’m trying to find ways to keep myself occupied.  I have bought tons of books and plan on reading like a mad woman to fill up the time. I have a list of movies I plan on seeing and can’t wait to hit the theaters for some binge watching.  I have my NYC trip coming up which will make time fly and keep me going for a while.  Then I am about to flip my world upside down by moving.  Yep, this chick is relocating back to around my old hometown with my brother and starting over.  Well, not really starting over, but starting fresh?  There are so many ghosts and so much pain in my current place of living that I think I need to get away from it to help me keep going.  Some have thought it seemed harsh and something I should reconsider, but I believe this is a good opportunity for me with everything that has progressed in the past six months.  I need some fresh air, surroundings and friends to get me going again.  I feel like through all of this I am still learning so much about myself that this will give me the opportunity to keep doing that and I want it.  I NEED it.

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