I’m sure after a while I am going to sound like a broken record with all the things that are going on. I mean, how long can someone feel so lost, right? I guess when it’s the first time you’ve felt this way, there is no real way of figuring out how long it’s going to last.
So how does one get over feeling this way? I wouldn’t say I feel empty, although sometimes I do, but just can’t decide what I want to do, where I want to go, the choices I want to make. Maybe it’s more of what I want to make of my life? I don’t know, but the only way to figure that out is to try, right? It’s what I keep telling myself, that as long as I make a decision and try, that I will get my answer of whether or not it was the right choice to go with. I try not to see things as failure because something doesn’t work out; I put the effort into it and if it doesn’t work, it just doesn’t work and wasn’t meant for me. Or at least, that time of my life, because maybe at some point down the road there may be a better time for it.
I lie around a lot just staring off into space, not going to lie. But then I get up and get myself out there. It’s hard, but I figure the more I do it, the newer the place or the harder the push, that eventually things will get better. Like that hike the other day; it took every effort of my being to get my ass off my bed and out onto that trail. I had no idea where I was going; I had no map and very littler reference from a friend of a friend of where I was going. I took the essentials I thought necessary and didn’t even tell anyone (btw, don’t ever do that; it’s super dangerous and I shouldn’t have. Bad me.), but I had to get out there. My brain was on fire with so many things that I just had to find some sort of peace of mind somewhere where I knew there would be no judgment, or someone telling me something in my ear.
It was a beautiful hike, as you can see from my last post. I couldn’t have asked for a better day weather wise; the sun was out just when I needed it, there was a slight breeze to keep me from getting too hot or cold, and I never ran into another person. I walked around watching the birds, listening to the leaves and water and letting everything just…go. At one point I thought about turning around 3 miles in at a dry creek bed, and I sat on this huge rock, debating where to go next. Then I decided to lay down and I think, I’m pretty sure, I fell asleep. Now a days, it takes me ages to fall asleep and stay asleep. It feels like a miracle most nights and I’m ecstatic if I wake up even half rejuvenated. Anyhow, I woke up, the sky being the first thing I see, and a beautiful red-shouldered hawk soaring over me. I watched it for a while, just concentrating on the hawk, and letting everything just BE. I could feel the hopelessness and stress leaving my body. It was a wonderful feeling I wish it could have gone on forever.
Unfortunately, life catches up with you and you have to keep going. I have to keep making decisions and figuring out where my life is going, how it’s going, and what I should or could or need to do. See, so many things. I feel so bogged down. And none of the things I have in front of me seem fulfilling enough. Or just enough I guess. I’m not sure really. But nothing is grabbing a hold of me and saying, GO DO THIS. Or make this decision over the others and stick with it. I guess it’s a matter of take a chance and see where it leads. It’s terrifying to say the least, but it has to be done, right?
And this is just one aspect of my life. This is just the one involving where I want to go career wise, or school wise; something along those lines. Not my personal life; that I feel like it just in completely non-existent. But that’s for another day…and nothing I’m sure you haven’t heard yet.