Seeing as how this is my new blog, I figure I could put some other aspect of myself onto it that isn’t just my 30 Under 30 goals. I’m going to call them reflections because a lot of it will be personal stuff that I’m reflecting on. I have done a bit of this in the last few posts I’ve made, but these will be a little more detailed…but unfortunately still slightly vague at the same time. Contradiction much?
Reflecting No. 1
Things are never as they seem. We are in a world where everyone is so great at putting on a mask in front of everyone and everyone believes it. Well I’m taking my mask off because I simply can’t stand to fake it anymore. I’m lost. I have never felt more lost in my life. Everything has been turned upside down in the matter of months that I don’t know where anything is going and I’m losing sight of who I am. But let me get a little more into that.
In the wake of really recovering from my eating disorder that has plagued me for over ten years, I have been able to discover more of what defines me; my likes, my loves, my passions, my dislikes. They have been hard to establish, mostly because so many of the things that I have come to see as something that I am have been either taboo or what I believed an embarrassment. I am not an easy person to get to know at first; I put up a pretty severe wall that takes some serious breaking down and makes me painfully awkward and shy to start, but as that wall comes down it lets me open up and allows people to really see who I am. I have talked in depth with many of my friends about this and it is something I have been working on because in all seriousness, how will I meet someone to share my life with if I walk around surrounded by a wall?
In contrast, I also wear my heart on my sleeve. When those walls come down, I always seem to dive right in, which can be a disaster. It has taken me by surprise the past few months as I have moved back into the dating world (which I’ll get to next, oiy!) but something good to realize I think. Dating, or seeing people, has really taught me to accept who I am. All and any rejection from a man or woman over the years has made me believe I am worthless, when in reality I should be looking at in a different perspective: we just do not match. When I say “do not match”, I’m not talking about just men who I might see/date, but also women and men who I become, or don’t become, friends with. Instead of beating myself up over being let go of, believing that I wasn’t good enough, or that there was more that I could have done to allow them to like me more, it’s more of a “we didn’t click perspective.” Of course I am great enough to become friends with someone because I do have friends, but it just wasn’t the right time, place or anything really, for myself and that person to form any sort of relationship. Gaining the perspective of letting it go and moving on has been hard to accept, but creating a stronger aspect of allowing myself to believe that just because this one didn’t work out, doesn’t mean the next one won’t.
This has rolled over into the single life, dating world that I am now becoming a part of. This may sounds stupid, but I feel old. Granted, I hang out with people who are up to 5-6 years younger than me, it has been interesting to watch them in their world. When I was their age I was so engrossed in my eating disorder that I did not get to experience the goings and comings on a young 20-something. I was a hermit and too focused on other things. Drinking and partying were not my forte and really, still aren’t (it is horribly exhausting to say the least). I have done more of this in the past few months that I have done in my entire life. I put all of these things on the way side mostly because of sheer embarrassment and shyness on my part and it has been hard to get past. I am still weird at parties, trying to figure out how to insert myself into conversation or even as simple with how to stand and what to do with my hands (awkward much!? HAHA!). But it’s getting easier.
Like I said earlier though, on top of this putting myself out there with the drinking and going to parties/get-togethers, I am trying to see the rejections not as a stab to my self, but as a learning experience in how to let go and believe it just wasn’t meant to be. I was talking to a guy for a bit, and it slowly fizzled out. I had drinks with another and wasn’t sure what to think of it entirely. I met two random people who seemed nice but again, wasn’t sure what to think of it or what to do with it. All of them have fizzled to nill or nothing and as much as a hit that it would have been years ago to my self worth, now it’s more of a “Eh, oh well. If they don’t want to be friends/whatever with me, their loss. Because what’s the point of pursuing it if both parties aren’t interested, right?” Not going to lie though, there are times when I do beat myself up over it and wonder if I am always going to be alone and if I’ll ever find that person to balance me, but it’s so soon that only time will tell. And I keep telling myself, that person will come along when I least expect it.
This part of my life is so new and I think it’s so overwhelming that sometimes I just want it to stop and I wish I could turn back the clock to when it was comfortable. But then I have to remind myself that when it was comfortable, I wasn’t really, truly happy. And I want to be happy with who I am and who I am with, which should be the most important. It is hard to accept, and truthfully sometimes hard to pass the time when there is nothing to do because there is not another person to do anything with. I have spent more hours just listening to music and lying on my bed staring off into space than I can count. It’s hard to get up and do things sometimes, but it’s the strength that will keep me going, along with my friends reaching out and helping me along. Having them to get out of my wallowing pool has been a game changer.
So right now everything feels like it’s in turmoil, but most would never know. I keep a lot of things bottled up and only when they get really bad do I let it all out. Part of me believe it’s getting to that point because sometimes even the things I enjoy the most don’t give me the same amount of joy, but I know this is a fleeting feeling. I am in limbo and I just have to get past how I feel right at this moment, To change that feeling, I believe I have to think about things differently which isn’t easy but has to be done. The mentality about everything is what is going to get me to see who I really am and who I want to be with…right? I sure hope so.