Oh Shoots

(Heads up, it’s a wordy post)

My girls did a great job on my birthday.  29 certainly started with a bang.  But lets back up a little…

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Two days before I spent time with a friend of mine who never ceases to amaze me with his words of wisdom.  He has been through everything under the freaking sun (did I mention he’s like, in this 70’s?) and I am grateful for the ear he lends me to vent and let everything out.  Lately my love life has been anything but ideal and all the while believing I should follow my heart, the heart I’m trying to work with isn’t on the same page as mine or following in the same footsteps.  It has been frustrating and exhausting to say the least, especially so soon after getting out a relationship in which I thought I was going to marry the other person.

He gave me three things to think about when it comes to love.  Now let me clarify, I am absolutely and completely a Type A person, through and through.  I most often am trying to stay in control, organized and making sure that everyone has what they need to be the person they want to be and walk around with a smile on their face.  I am usually the one to sacrifice my time, sometimes my life, and most especially my ideals.  It’s a sad fact, but I am constantly taking care of my significant others, and not them of me.  I suppose I have always thought I could just take care of myself, but am now realizing that I just might need someone to take care of me…

Anyhow, he gave me three things to remember when it comes to love, TRUE LOVE at that.  It sounds like something out of a fairytale and just plain phewy, but after listening to him talk about it, I know it’s true.  I know that it exists and it’s out there because he has seen it and experienced it.

  1. Everyone is capable of true love.  Everyone has the ability to love someone so completely that they are their life and that is true love.  You just have to find that someone that is willing to be that for you and you for them.
  2. There are sacrifices.  It’s funny, I have sacrificed so much of my life for the men I have been with. I have moved mountains for them and changed my life pathways to try and appease them.  In the end I am always the loser.  So it makes me believe number one, that I am capable of true love as he said, because I can make sacrifices for the other person simply because I want to and never feel burdened or like it is a chore.  I do it because I know it will make them happy.
  3. They will do anything for you too.  It’s funny, I think I have always convinced myself that if these men are capable of doing the little things for me, that eventually they would be able to do the big things for me, right?  They would be able to do the same things for me that I would or might already have done, for them?  Well, hopefully I’ll be able to find my equal; the one that will be willing to do those anythings for me.  The one that will be willing to move a mountain to see me happy as I do for them.

I bring these things up because this is what is happening. I have been moving mountains for someone believing that one day they might also for me.  But in the midst of it, all the chances they have had to do that for me, they haven’t.  Instead  they have taken advantage of my EXTREME patience and left me dragging at the end of a thread that is so ever-very-close to shredding.  Only as things get worse and worse for me do I realize what I have walked into and am ready to walk out of.  Like I said, I have a huge amount of patience, and I think for the first time in my life it is wearing thin and I don’t know if I can take it anymore.  When is my heart going to be able to realize that the mountains I am moving are simply too heavy and they will just continue to stand behind one after the other?

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I believe this is one of the things that invoked my inspiration for my 30 under 30 list.  I have done so much for others, but since when have I done anything for me? It sounds selfish, but hey, everyone has to be selfish, right? Otherwise how do we learn who we are and what we want in our lives?  I have lived so much of the past ten years under a blanket of guilt over my body and hiding what I believed was such a strange personality that I have not truly been who I believe I am.  So that is why this is list was created and going to be accomplished; because 29 will be the year I find myself…

~~

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(My watch/heart rate monitor that I wear at work reminded me it was my birthday)

Ok, so I must admit I was apprehensive about this birthday night because I knew there would be alcohol involved and my inhibitions would be down…of course when aren’t they when there is alcohol involved, right?!  That’s the fun in it!  Anyhow, I knew it would let me let loose and with what feels like my life being in shambles, I knew it would be for the best and would allow me to let go for the night.

I went out and bought two dresses outside my realm of comfort and allowed myself to decide which one I would wear.  I ended up going with the more conservative of the two (hah!) but decide to save the other one just in case of something even more crazy (see #4).  I drove myself to my friend’s place north of where I lived and got all dolled up.  I put on lipstick (not long enough to cross off 28 but hey, baby steps right now) and a tiny, lacy dress and drank enough that I knew I would have to wear sandals or the night would end with me in an ER with a hurt ankle or something of the sort. HAHAHAH!

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They took me to a sushi dinner where I inhaled a vegetable roll (that I wish I had gotten a picture of, it was gorgeous) and my first hot sake and then we hit the club.

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The rest of the night was kind of a blur, but not really.  We danced like crazy (and people, I am not a dancer; thank goodness these two live to dance so I couldn’t get away with not dancing) and I made the night of it.  I allowed myself to let go and enjoy the time these girls we were willing to have with me.  For once, I let them take care of me and push my buttons to do things I have always been capable of, but too afraid to allow myself to do.

Of course the night ended at some point and there is always the hangover breakfast…my first in my life.

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I think this birthday was like a “do-over” of my 21st birthday because I did nothing that a normal 21 year old would do on that particular birthday….Hahaha!  Do you guys remember the pictures on my old blog I put up every once in a while from when I had blue/green hair? Yeah, that’s what I did on my 21st birthday; no alcohol for me for almost two years after that!

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(I so lived it up when I was 21…yeah right. I should do this again though; what do you think? lol.  And go to Australia again with it…)

I spent some time walking and driving the downtown area of where I was at it and then went off to a festival and watched a football game at a local bar.  It was relaxing and just what I needed to have for my birthday.

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So 29 started off with a boom.  A boom, then what has felt like a fall because of my love life, but that’s when you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and figure out how to mend the wounds, right?  Because otherwise, what’s the point of having everything around you if you’re just wallowing in self pity?  Yep, no more wallowing for this chick.  I’m over that shit and ready to get out and live.

Yeah yeah!

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